Waiter, What's That Worm Doing In My Pop Tart?

Allen Gwinn 2007-09-04 08:13

"Why, the tango sir, obviously!"

You know, I've been looking for divine guidance on what to do about our kids and their love for Kellogg's Pop Tarts (well, OK, I like[d] them too).

Picture me sitting at a computer editing the dozens of comments we get on a daily basis at Dallas.Org, and my wife walks in with a dead worm (we'll call him "Freddy") on a paper towel.

"Where'd you get that," I asked?

"It was in your daughter's Chocolate Fudge Pop Tart."

"Oh. Good."

Kelloggs Pop Tarts With Worm "It looks like an indian meal moth larvae," said Dallas County entomologist Scott Sawlis, "some kind of stored grain insect."

"That's my final answer," in the spirit of Who Wants to Be A Millionaire! Kellogg's entomologists agreed so Scott's a millionaire!

Things could have been worse, however. I was reminded of the old joke: "what's worse than finding a worm in your apple?"

"Finding half-a-worm in your apple."

Fortunately for my daughter, the worm did not appear to have been missing the piece she just ate!

Oh, and in all fairness, these things are harmless. It's just that finding one in your Pop Tart is somewhat on the gross side!

So I decided to call Kellogg's 1-800-FOUND-A-BUG-IN-THE-POP-TART line and let them know about it. I identified myself as a journalist (because it's what we're supposed to do, right?).

The guy flipped through some pages in a script and began reading the "thank you for being a loyal Kellogg's customer" and "we know how upsetting it can be to find an insect in your food [...]" schpiel.

Then he asked for our home phone number. I gave it to him. He keyed it into a computer and said: "so I see you live at..." Huh?

As journalists, we reverse phone numbers all the time. However, I had to put myself in the role of the uninitiated. Picture this: you're a meek, mild, plain old "Joe" who found a worm in your Kellogg's Cremated Bug Flakes (we'll get to the "Cremated Bugs" in a minute).

So you call Kellogg's and they start telling you about where you live--and maybe the setting on your electric toothbrush! If you were new to the "information at the fingertips" bit, you might be flustered? A little bit?

The guy proceeded to explain how a bug couldn't have possibly made it through their factory and into my daughter's Kellogg's Pop Tart.

He further explained that if a bug did happen to make it through, he had this advice: "you cannot be harmed by an insect you consume in one of our products [...] any doctor will tell you that."

Our doctor said, "what?" "It depends on what it is you eat, and how it has been processed."

However, our doctor agreed with the entomologists: Freddy would have been harmless even in his un-deceased state.

"Erin," another customer service rep called back later to further explain Kellogg's bug annihilation process (Kellogg's media relations group wouldn't call us back--I don't blame them. I wouldn't call us back either!).

"We have very high sanitation guidelines."

"We use very high temperatures," she explained, "nothing leaves [the plant] infested."

Temperatures?

What they really mean is that nothing leaves the place alive--like poor Freddy. He is a "was." Instead of being soft and squishy like a live caterpillar, he was rather crisp, lifeless and unappealing to the palate (yes, I know, this article is getting rather gross but I can't begin to tell you how much fun I'm having writing it!).

Of course, he went a cycle through our toaster as well as Kellogg's bug-incinerators, which is beside the point--but now you're beginning to see where I was headed with the Kellogg's Cremated Bug Flakes thing, eh?.

"We have identified certain conditions with our distribution process where insects can enter the packaging," added Erin.

She, like the other guy, described how little bugs can eat "microscopic holes" through the sealed packages (hey, they wouldn't have been reading from the same prepared script would they?) and end up in your Pop Tart.

What they all seem to have failed to grasp is that I didn't care how Freddy burrowed in or was squirted in with the fudge goo, I just cared that he made it where he was--right in the filling.

Picture this. Moments later, the fax rings. It's from Kellogg's.

Dear Customer,
We are in receipt of your complaint regarding an indian meal moth larvae found in one of our products. Please be advised that this is in keeping with our new move toward higher-protein, zero trans fat cuisine. Unfortunately, you were undercharged for this product. Please remit $.45 immediately or we shall have no choice but to run you through our other databases which will tell us what brand of dishwashing liquid you prefer.

Also, the Food and Drug Administration requires us to re-label all such products reflecting the added protein. Attached, you will find an updated label that we request you cut out and paste over the ingredients list on the back of the box.

Thank you for your prompt attention in this matter, and please try our new adult-stage moth bisquits--coming to a grocery store near you in the future. Oh, and while you're at it, please go jump in a lake.

Just kidding they didn't write that--we made it up. They're way too stuffy to write something like that.

OK, enough fun for today.

In all fairness, Kellogg's did offer to refund us our money as well as send us a whole handful of free this-and-that coupons.

I politely declined.

I think I'm... er, my daughter is cured of her Pop Tarts addiction!

But if anyone is hungry, we still have the rest of the box. For sale. Cheap.

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