DISD Christmas Downsizing

Press Release - Immediate Distribution

Today's economic challenges require DISD to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" department:

1. The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree requires someone to water and fertilize it. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

2. The two turtledoves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

3. The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.

4. The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An investigation is underway to determine whom the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

5. The five golden rings have been put up for sale on eBay by the Fixed Assets Management department.

6. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury, which can no longer be afforded. Three geese will be RIFed, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by Personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

7. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

8. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by TEA and EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought.

9. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

10. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of air travel prompted the Payroll department to suggest replacing this group with ten retired educators. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed teachers this year.

11. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. The Personnel Department recommends a substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings, which will drop right down to the bottom line.

12. We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, Evaluation and Accountability department studies indicate that with the above outlined changes, DISD’s budget shortfall will be reduced from $184 million to $183.5 million.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay afloat. Should that happen, the Board of Trustees would request the Office of Professional Responsibility to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

The lawsuit filed by the teacher’s association seeking the resignation of the entire Board of Trustees is pending.

[Ed Note: Sorry, this showed up in the forums. Thanks to MikesDog for posting it.

So let's get the new, official, last line of the song together:

"183.5 million,"
"4 stringers stringing,"
"10 retired teachers trying to leap,"
"9, well, who-needs-em,"
"an 8-person balanced milkforce,"
"7 swans a teaching,"
"6 er 3 geese a laying,"
"$5 thousand dollars proceeeeeeeeeeeeds...(ba bum bum bum),"
"a $4,000 IVR,"
"3 loving French hens,"
"2 ex Turtle doves,"
"...and a partridge in a plastic hanging plant!"

Sounds good to me. Can anyone put a price tag on all this?

If anyone can get your class to sing this, let me know, and I'll come down, videotape and post it here :)

Happy Holidays, yall!]